The Bully Stories

I recently did a segment on My Carolina Today about bullying and want to expand on what we discussed during the interview.  Watching the interview is a good place to start:

http://www.mycarolinatoday.com/2010/11/is-your-child-dealing-with-a-bully/

Now that you’ve watched that, you’re ready for Round II – info every parent needs on bullying:

What are signs your child may be being bullied?

• Your child comes home with torn, damaged or missing belongings
• Has unexplained injuries
• Has few friends with whom they spend time
• Seems afraid of going to school, riding the bus or participating in school activities
• Has lost interest in school or they suddenly start doing poorly
• Appears sad, moody, teary, depressed when they come home
• Complains frequently of headaches, stomachaches and other physical ailments to avoid school
• If you notice sudden changes in your child’s behavior and mood regarding the cyber-world such as constantly checking the computer or phone paired with anxiety, depressive symptoms or a drop in academic performance.
• Experiences loss of appetite or appears nervous, anxious and seems to have lower self esteem

What can parents or other involved adults do to help?

• Many kids don’t talk about being bullying because they are ashamed and feel as if it’s their fault.  It’s important for parents to encourage conversations about this topic.  Ask direct questions like, “Are there any kids at school who tease you?” or “Are there any kids at school who leave you out?”
• Ask more subtle questions like “Who do you normally play with at recess?” or “Are there any kids at school you don’t like?  Why?”
• Maintain close communication with teachers at school and at parent-teacher conferences, don’t just focus on academics, ask questions about: How well your child gets along with others, with whom do they spend the most time with, or has the teacher ever noticed any signs of your child being excluded or bullied?
• Get the child involved in a social skills group to learn how to be more assertive, read social cues better, recognize their annoying behaviors, and make friends
• Teach your child to hang out in crowds – bullies like to target the child by him or herself
• Teach your child to practice ahead of time how he or she will respond to a bully: assertive words, steady voice, eye contact, and strong body posture.  Your child can learn to visualize what he wants to happen: him walking tall, shoulders back, strong voice, saying, “You can’t talk to me that way.  I’m not going to listen to this!”
• Do not encourage physical retaliation – it will likely result in your child being disciplined at school and teaches them that physical aggression is an appropriate solution to problems.
• Work with your child’s school. It is the school’s responsibility to coordinate the response to bullying in school.
• While it’s natural for you to be emotional, try to keep your emotions under control. Stay rational and stick to the facts when working with school officials to remedy the situation.
• Never tell your child just to ignore the bullying. They will feel as if you are just going to ignore it and they should not have bothered to tell you in the first place.
• Encourage them to use their sense of humor – to act as if it’s a compliment (say, “Thank you” if a child says something mean), or turn someone’s teasing into a compliment (i.e., if a child says “You stink at basketball” your child could say, “Well you’re really good at basketball).
• Teachers can also help by promoting positive relationships by creating buddy systems or peer mentors so that children are not alone, perpetually outside any group.

No parent wants to realize that his or her child IS the bully, but it’s an unpleasant reality many parents face.  It’s important to know the warning signs to look out for and what to do about it if you discover your child is engaging in overt or subtle bullying.

What if my child IS the bully? Signs to look out for:

• Frequent name-calling (describing others as ‘wimps’ or ‘jerks’);
• Regular bragging;
• A need to always get his own way;
• Spending a lot of time with younger or less powerful kids;
• A lack of empathy for others;
• A defiant or hostile attitude (easily takes offense).
• Hot tempered, impulsive, easily irritated
• Aggressive towards adults or siblings
• Describes frequent changes in friendships, “I’m not her friend anymore” and seems to create a lot of drama in her peer group

If you suspect your child is the bully, it is important to do the following:

• Examine behavior and interactions in your own home (is he watching violent media, is the child exposed to intense marital conflict or sibling fighting, or is your discipline overly harsh?)
• Make an effort to identify what triggers the bullying behavior.
• Make it clear that bullying is not acceptable and set reasonable and fair consequences for failing to comply with those rules. Establish a “zero tolerance policy” regarding bullying in your family.
• As bullying is often a sign of poor interpersonal social skills, parents may want find methods to help their child learn healthy social skills and bring out the best traits in their child by redirecting their energies toward healthy and contributory activities such as volunteering, martial arts (to practice self-control), or Boy/Girl Scouts (to form friendships and practice cooperation towards a common goal)
• Many kids who bully have underlying insecurities or emotional problems that need to be addressed in therapy or with the school counselor.  Social skills groups can be great for kids who are victims of bullying or engaging in bullying.

Kristen Wynns, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist/Owner of Wynns Family Psychology